Losing Friends, but Gaining Family

      We hang out. We shout out. We hit each other up.

        This is how we saw friendship in high school. This is how we thought it was always going to be in college, but quickly discovered that things were changing. These are the people we hoped we would still be talking to after we started our lives. And these are the people we've wondered about...where they have gone and what they are doing. These are the people we thought would always be there for us, always love and accept us, and always be there to lean on. These are the people long gone.

       We're all bound to "lose" or "gain" a few friends at different points of our lives. Sometimes we just drift apart, lose touch, or move on. Maybe that friend wronged you beyond forgiveness, betrayed your trust for something they wanted more...or for something that you had that they wanted. Maybe you ceased to be interesting or exciting to them, and they, all of a sudden, changed circles. No matter what the cause, some of the connections we call our friendships will end.

"What is a friend? It is a single soul dwelling in two bodies." 

-Aristotle-

         What makes up a friend? Someone with whom we share like interests? Someone who lets us vent out all of our problems? Someone who can give us a ride to the airport or let us crash on their couch? Is it the person who is there for all of our birthday outings, nights on the town, the person who we call when we get bored? The person we get into all our mischief with? Is it just someone we "know"? No doubt bits and pieces of these ideas are present in friendship. But are these what make up a truly good friend?

 Friend - /frend/ - n. 

 "a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection."

      How many of us just stop at the "a person we know" portion? We live in a culture that circles around who we know, and that if we know just enough about someone, we can call them our friend. But the times will come where our bonds are tested and we truly discover who our friends are...and who we are.
       

        When you make new acquaintance with someone that you think is interesting or exciting, in the initial stages of this new connection and relationship we quickly want to be able to call them "friend." It's definitely good to have more allies than enemies, and for some of us making new friends is so rare that we scoop them up. But like any relationship of any sort, what will test the foundation of your bond is time. 

        We all have people we seem to fall back on. Maybe it's the college group, church group, the workmates, or the roommates. We all want to feel included and have a sense of fellowship with others. But sometimes we've got to ask ourselves...are we in the best circle? Are these the people who build us up and point us in the right direction? Are these the people who care enough about us that they point out what will potentially harm us? Do they seek our best and make us want to be better?

         Or are these the people we just go out and party with? Are these the people that just complain to us about life while we do the same? Do we come away from time spent with these people uplifted or bogged down? We don't usually think about it until it's begun to take it's toll on us, but we are who we spend time with.

"True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in the worth and choice."

-Ben Jonson- 

        You've heard it said, and it's true. It's during the hard times that we truly discover who our friends are. It's then that we discover how many of our "friends" are truly reaching out to us when we're knocked down, encouraging us, listening, guiding, or if they got what they could out of us and are done. How many of our "friendships" are purely one-sided? How often do we feel like we're the only ones pulling? How often do we still feel alone even though we have a multitude of "friends?" Friendship - true friendship - is significantly deeper...oft times even harder.

...

        Friends hurt one another. Whether it's intentional or unintentional, it's just a fact. When pain comes from misunderstandings, or when we say or do something without thinking all the way through, when human nature takes the best of us, are we willing to persevere? As human beings we often times think more about how other people have wronged us and not so much about the fact that we're capable of the exact same kind of hurt. Just because we haven't wronged one another doesn't mean we can't. We, as human beings, hurt one another. It's an unfortunate, but almost inevitable, reality that comes with the territory. That's why forgiveness is so important. Forgiveness and friendship cannot exist in separate worlds. 

       Some of us are in the season of life where we find out who our friends are and, as time goes on, that our circle gets smaller and smaller. It can be a depressing thought, but it's reality...that people will be coming and going for our entire lives. It was a hard fact to accept as I, someone who lived for my friendships, began to transition into the next step of my life. But as God worked in my life, I began to gain a new perspective and attitude when it came to my friendships and people I knew and would ever come across.

It was then that I decided this:

Instead of worrying about how many friends I will lose or gain, I will focus on being the best kind of friend to the ones I have and the people around me. 

        I discovered the fact that being a friend - the active, volitional choice of befriending and caring about someone else - was entirely more fulfilling and important than being able to count how many friends I have. Instead of being upset about who wasn't giving, I chose to give. Instead of being frustrated that no one was listening, I decided to listen and show interest in the lives of others. Instead of waiting for people to reach out to me and befriend me, I decided to reach out and invest in others.

        Yes, losing friends hurts. And human nature doesn't change. Therefore, I choose carefully the words I speak, I watch my actions, and make sure I can keep my promises. I want to be a strong friend for those I love and be there someone who has no friends that needs one. I want to know I'm being that friend...whether or not people are being that friend to me.
        Yes, we need friends we can relate to intellectually and experientially. Those friends we'll find as we find like rare gems as we dig deep and refine coal into diamonds. It falls on us to work and search. Good friendships, like anything good, don't come easy.

        I have found that the friendships that I've built on the foundation of this mindset have been more fulfilling, more meaningful, closer. Because I am choosing my friends. I am getting to know the people around me and find people that I legitimately admire and respect. These are the relationships where there is truly a bond of "mutual affection." These friendships make me a better person and overcome misunderstanding and hurt. They are the bonds that I can envision lasting for the rest of my life on earth. 

        Is there any guarantee that I'll keep the friends I have forever? Of course not. There's always risk, there are always a multitude of things that can happen. But no one wants to be given up on, so I don't want to give up on anyone, no matter how they've wronged me or continually hurt and disappoint me. Because I know a God that calls me friend that continually loves and is there for me despite how many times I step on Him, treat Him and His name like he means nothing, stab Him in the back, and trade my affection for Him for something or someone else. The truly good friends that we've been given, love, cherish, appreciate, and thank God for the privilege of knowing. But we can look forward to the many more we can make when we step out and reach.

A person who wants friends must show himself friendly,
and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.

*photo by Paul Jacala, Copyright 2014