My Lesson in Pain

        This is a lesson I feel like I learned 12 years late. It's something that can only be taught by those who have gone through the darkest valleys and have hearts made of shards of gold.

It is learned from those who have contrite hearts, who have the stubborn will to keep walking and the child-like faith that moves mountains. 

It can only be learned when you're part of it.

I watched two friends go through a painful time in their marriage. 

I watched my friends go through the fear and confusion. There was anger, a longing for forgiveness, a heart screaming for a way out...to have the hole filled. It was the weight, I can't forget. The killing pressure that only a heart that's held up by God can handle.

Wanting so hard to give up, but knowing you have to hold on. 

My friend said to me in the midst of her tears,

"I never want to see this happen to you, Paul. And please never do this to anyone..."

       I saw it again overseas in the Dominican Republic. 

It was in the places with the hardest sights and heaviest situations

People living in a garbage dump and living off what's barely salvageable. Them refraining from giving you an open hand or a full bodied hug because they know they've waded through human waste. 

It was in watching our girls pray with weeping women, those who have become enslaved to sex trafficking, to a fairy tale, and a hope to get off the street if they can just please enough people.

It was in the missionaries that loved and served those people.

One of us asked, "How do you do this...every single day?" 

"Sometimes we can't. Sometimes it's just too much. But we do it because God has called us to serve these people. "

I went to God saying,

"I really hate who I am when I'm back home. I don't want to go back to the way I was."

Then I came home.

And it happened...

The pain.

     

And the full weight of the guilt and reality of my crimes hit me like an arrow...

...only a splinter compared to the knife I drove into a good friend.

I was a perpetrator.

I watched them weep in agony in my arms. 

And the weight I saw felt is only a fraction...

The pain of my guilt tortured me.

 I knew that it would be burned into my soul.

This is the lesson I learned.

For 12 years, I drowned my pain. I distracted myself.

Instead of learning the lessons that the pain of my actions caused, I tried to bury it all.

God wanted to teach me in those moments, but I was too immature to understand.

 "...he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror.  For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like."

James 1:24

The pain that should have changed me, I shut out. As humans we do that. 

But because I did, I missed many good things that God wanted me to have.

 I avoided people...friends who cared about me and wanted to help me, the people who could help me channel my pain. People who were walking the same journey that I was.

I didn't turn to God. I didn't give Him ALL of my pain and all of my heart.

I let the pain and selfishness I harbored turn into a monster that would hurt other people and cause more pain.

I dealt with pain by trying to forget it. 

By trying fill my heart and mind with all of the wrong things.

I should have gone to my knees before the Lord, and just cried....

knowing He could love and understand me completely and perfectly.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

We live in a broken world, and there are dark spots in every place and in every part of life. 

Pain comes and goes and it will often times be unbearable. 

For me, the pain I've seen

...the pain that comes with the weight of my sins...

...the weight God carries for me every single day...

...His grace and forgiveness and the forgiveness given to me by others...

I can't ever forget that.

I can't do anything on my own. I need His wisdom and strength.

To change, I need to seek and abide in the loving arms of the Lord
a constant state of brokenness.

 It's there that He can take this sinner and make him into something usable
 while healing the dirty and broken pieces of my heart.

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way; 
But left me none the wiser 
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When sorrow walked with me.

-Robert Browning Hamilton

        

The Issue with Labels and Labeling Others

       

        We live in a society of labels. The words 'Upper-middle class,' 'politician,' 'addict,' 'Christian,' 'gay,' 'punk rock,' 'hipster' all carry connotations that affect how we perceive and interact with the world and the people in it. But another effect labels have is their uncanny ability to make us think we have an unspoken license to judge others, whether it's predicting what moves or choices people will make, what direction their thought processes go, what kind of personality they have, the circles they associate themselves with, etc. Labels are, perhaps, one of the biggest reasons that many people fail to look at things or view people with an objective lens.

         Labels play a major part in our judgement. They set off associations in our brains that cause us to react based on our experiences, both the positive and negative. We judge music and movies by their genre before we watch them, food by its label before we consume or choose not to, we judge politicians character and vote based on party they're from, and the list goes on. 

        Here's a prime example. Let's look at the word 'Christian.' What kind of connotations, implications, and assumptions can be made when you strap the word 'Christian' to something?

• Movie vs. Christian movie
• Novel vs. Christian novel
• Music vs. Christian music

        Simply by adding a label, it divides each category into a subcategory recognized by our culture to be a whole, separate category in the world of media. 

The word 'Christian' carries so many connotations in so many different contexts, both positive and negative. Today, people may associate the word 'Christian' on one hand with a very loving, joyous, strong person who loves God and lives with meaning or on the other a religious bigot who is elitist, condescending, and legalistic. 

        Because words meanings evolve and change over time, people have to be wary of the words they choose and mindful of the meanings. One cannot as simply say "he's a gay man" to mean "he's a happy man" because of its association with the homosexual movement. The same can be said of any word or label. It's not as simple as it used to be.

       

        Jon Foreman of Switchfoot talks about the band's choice in not adopting the 'Christian' label or declaring that they're a 'Christian' band because of the "box" that exists in Christian media and Christian circles. They don't view their music to be any more or less Christian than anything or person that exists. For them, the issue was one of content and the heartbeat behind it. To adopt a Christian label carries a certain weight and expectation. They understand that labels create an image, and image affects perception. It can affect everything.

        Labels will always inevitably trigger something our minds. In any instance, whenever we judge by a label we're putting some measure of trust that the label is properly representing what it's labeling. As we well know, they can be very misleading. In some instances labels can be helpful, but the problem is when we start thinking in terms of the label, and this causes a variety of problems.

...

        It's understandable that labels, from a socioeconomic and practical standpoint, are a necessary part of society because one cannot create an objective case for each an every human being or situation. Such a task would be tedious and ridiculous.  

        The issue is with that of the individual. It's whenever we as people begin to make assumptions about a profiled person based on their politically-correct racial category or social class. It's when when we begin to look at the mass of people in the world and begin to make blanket generalizations about the man or woman next to us because of their declared associations. What labels have become is an extra barrier that we have to break through in order to truly know what or who we're interacting with. In our world of miscommunication and division, more barriers aren't what we need. 

        When we think of things in terms of a label that we or another person/group has created, our mind will start to run in a variety of directions. When we hear or read the word 'felon,' what conclusion do we draw of that person? When someone has been 'abused' or 'molested' or was born 'illegitimate' how does that affect our perception of that person or their family? What kind of assumptions do we make about someone according to their race? Or where they're from geographically? Assistant Professor Adam Atler of NYU puts it this way: 

"Labeling isn't always a cause for concern, and it's often very useful. It would be impossible to catalogue the information we process during our lives without the aid of labels like "friendly," "deceitful," "tasty," and "harmful." But it's important to recognize that the people we label as "black," "white," "rich," poor," smart," and "simple," seem blacker, whiter, richer, poorer, smarter, and simpler merely because we've labeled them so."  

        It's a combination of historical, psychological, social, and spiritual factors that has allowed labels to sneak their way into our perception of the people around us and ourselves. If we allow that perception to take root, how does that affect how we operate or treat our fellow man? From that point, we have to make a decision. Will we look past, take a risk and reach out, or will we avoid this person all together, fear them, or resent them? Will we still love that person like we're supposed to?

In conversing with friend who taught abroad in South Korea for two years, I learned that an avoided behavior in South Korea was telling someone your job description or occupation. Why? Because in doing so, you give control of yourself, your identity, to that person. 

        When we (or anyone) place a label on someone it's our attempt to categorize. It's a issue of control. It's much easier to deal with people or groups of people when you can put them on a shelf. Inversely, how do we respond when people make assumptions about us concerning our character, personality, political and religious affiliations, beliefs, convictions - in essence, who we are - based on a label? When we place labels on ourselves with our occupations, social circles, and preferences, do we remember and are we prepared to face what assumptions people make of us? Are we aware or do we welcome it? If not, why do we do the same to others?

...

        

        The hope is that instead of judging something or someone according to a label of any sort, that we take the time assess, to think, and make the effort to truly know the world and people around us. It means thoroughness, discernment, and open-mindedness. If we stop at the surface level, we leave room to misunderstand, misjudge, and create a wider gulf between each other as human beings. As best we can, we should strive for objectivity in all our dealings, getting to the heart before deciding to throw something, or someone, to the fire. 

Paul Jacala. Copyright © 2014 

References:

bigdaverino, Dave Browning. "Why Switchfoot Won't Sing Christian Songs." http://ctkblog.com/ Wordpress. 9 Jan 2015.

Atler, Adam. (17 May 2010) Why It's Dangerous to Label People. Psychology Today. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/alternative-truths/201005/why-its-dangerous-label-people

The Valentine's Day Post: "Single" and "In A Relationship" - One Is NOT Better Than the Other

       

        Today marks the day where many single men and women begin lamenting their singleness, start a mad scramble to do something for their spouse or significant other, begin trying to find someone to hook up with, or come up with some elaborate scheme to drown out reality while couples in our country are out trying to be/appear more "couple-y". The social media posts begin coming in like a cold front, and commercials will be plastered with red hearts and diamonds with love songs playing in the background. For many, "V-Day," or "Singles Awareness Day," is the source of more joy and pain than any other day of the year.

        It was a year ago around this time was when my friends Phil and Abbi really began getting to know each other toward becoming a couple. Phil was my roommate and Abbi was a friend I made my senior year of college. Before they met, I had spent time with them individually, talked with them about life, dating philosophies, and the frustrations with the dating scene. They were both people who struggled with singleness just as much as any other person. When they met, I watched their relationship grow from the early interest spark stage to the very strong, balanced, and mature relationship that they've grown into and built through communication, commitment, and their mutual faith. To this day, they're one of a few couples that I have great respect, admiration, and joy in just watching them interact.

        Phil and I had a conversation about how Valentine's Day seems to be more about singles than it is about couples. He and Abbi having dated for almost a year, they had talked about how they actually felt less inclined to do things for Valentine's Day, part of which is due to the fact that it's commercialized and overhyped. But more than that, for them, showing and celebrating their care and love for one another wasn't something that they limited to one day of the year. It was something they celebrated daily, moment by moment, something they showed in all the things they do for each other, big and small. Their relationship isn't defined by a cultural construct that people have come to associate with "love."

        We look around and see a LOT of relationships. We see relationships that we adore and admire as great couples that lead by example, ones that are co-dependent and imbalanced, and many that are worn, abusive, or all together destructive. Today, their are so many people that get into relationships for all of the wrong reasons, and there is an enormous shortage of truly strong, meaningful, and healthy relationships that contribute to community and that we can admire and draw inspiration from.

        I think that many of us tend to dwell too much on the subject of relationships, or the lack thereof, in our lives. For many in our culture it's become the drumbeat by which they live and the ultimate destination for how they want to live out the rest of our time on this planet. But the question I have to ask, "Is that how it's supposed to be?

...

        So much time, energy, and emotion is put into the realm of relationships. When done the right way, the cost is good and well worth it. But more often than not, it becomes a burden, a great source of pain, and, in fact, a harmful institution because we go into relationships with the wrong perspective and motivation.

        When we take a step back and analyze relationships, how they're composed, the unique dynamic that each relationship possesses, we really begin to see where the source of joy and pain comes from. Good relationships are meant to be a haven of give-and-take. They are built on honest communication. They require time, effort, and sacrifice for the other person. Bad relationships are filled with selfishness, suspicion, jealousy, looseness, promiscuity, the belief that a singular person can fix all the problems in our life, over emphasis on sex, and a variety of other dysfunctions. Relationships are meant to be wonderful and lifelong. They're a gift, not an entitlement. Before we even think about pursuing, we have to ask ourselves honestly if we're in a time in our life where we're able and willing to give of ourselves.

...

        There are times when being in a relationship is simply the wrong thing to do. One or both of the people in the relationships aren't ready, don't have the right heart motivation, or the relationship is simply putting strain on two people who in actuality would do better single. Why push a relationship? Why be joined at the hip with someone in this particular time of life when your life goals might be hindered or stopped because you decided to be in a relationship for the sake of it, or just because you felt lonely? Believe it or not, their is more to life than that. This person can't fill the hole for you. That's something you have to do and seek out for yourself.

        Instead of thinking of singleness as some sort of curse, start thinking of it as a step, a chapter, or an even a necessity. It truly is an alternative lifestyle. Yes, there are certainly people who do better in relationships or who do better single. It's being able to recognize the kind of person you are and flowing with that part of your personality and giving things time to happen naturally and in their own time. In the mean time, we're meant to live out lives in a meaningful way. Just because we're not in a relationship, it doesn't mean there's, all of a sudden, a pause on our calling. We have been given a life. It's up to us to figure out how to use it and to live it well.

        If people are rubbing the fact that they're in a relationship in your face, it doesn't make them better than you. Just because they carry the label doesn't make them a "better" person or any less of a terrible person. The person that we are, whether we are in a relationship or not, is determined by ourselves. Whether we're single or even married, it falls on us to keep being quality people who actually live meaningful lives, especially in the context of giving to the person we're in a relationship with. In point of fact, the best relationships around are the couples in which both have come to that realization, but in turn make one another stronger because they are together.


        What we need is more singles and couples who don't look down on the other for being so, but strong, purposeful people secure in themselves that empower one another in building healthy relationships, striving for the community that this world needs.

"The Wind Flower Looks Up" - Travelers Rest, SC

"Old Life" - Travelers Rest, SC

"Personal Journey" 

"Memories" 

"The Foote" (Re-edit) 

Striving for Depth

        We live in a culture that flaunts the skin deep and tries to keep things surface level because it feels good and makes itself seem intelligent. Not many think about the ins and outs of how this world turns and try to get to the heart of the problems. They're looking to be entertained, distracted and are willing to accept whatever fabricated popular idea that floats around as true. When we question it or try to delve deeper into an issue, people turn off, dismiss us, or it might go way over their heads. It's like trying to dig for treasure with someone, but when you start breaking ground they decide they want to play with a ping pong paddle instead.

        

        If we wanted to search out the truth of things and live deeply, we wouldn't want to do it alone. And if we offered to seek it out with someone, we would expect them to come with us on this journey.
But few do.

        When we express ourselves via writing, art, or conversation, we're putting ourselves out there...putting our philosophies, deepest thoughts, and vulnerabilities on display and on trial. We want to see our ideas take shape and and find application...while, at the same time, lift a weight off of our chest. We hope that what we express will resonate with someone. When we watch movies or read books and are able to see the deeper meaning, we want to reflect on those ideas with others. Or when we have deep conversations that touch so many facets of life, we discover the joy of learning from one another. It's a beautiful two-way dialogue between human beings.

         But it's when our depth and expression isn't connecting with people. It's when we seek perspective and sound counsel but end up hearing the same old generics and generalities, the same surface level "stuff." We as human beings have hearts and minds that seek meaning. It's frustrating when there isn't anyone around who we feel truly understands what we're trying to say. It's like wanting to put it down a large boulder, but being surrounded by fragile, empty clay vases.

      So we might think, 

        "If I can't relate to or get through to anyone, what's the point in even trying?"

         Why not just keep our ideas to ourselves? Why not just remain in the shallow end of the pool with the others? At least there we'll have company. Sure, we can do that. 

But what will happen...is that nothing will happen. 

         Our ideas and expressions will collect dust and get lost in busyness and old age. We begin to be content with our complacency. We will become numb to new ideas and possibilities that present themselves. We end up leaving a world unexplored, a mind un-exercised, and a heart left empty while it cries out for something more. We end up filling our minds with all the wrong things until it can no longer discern between the good and useless. Then suddenly we begin to look, feel, and think like everybody else. This isn't what we were meant for.

         If you're finding yourself here, let me exhort you to keep living deeply. Keep searching the world out, and putting yourself out there. The fact that you question, ponder, and wonder is a sign of a longing and curious spirit, thirsty for truth in this world. The ideas and expressions that you put into the air are the substance of the profound nature that makes up a humanity longing for completion! It gives hope to others that they aren't the only ones searching and encourages them to keep doing so. There are so many who give up that fight because it's too much to handle or life and the culture have taken the best of them.

         We need more people who choose to think...and by thinking, inspire. Don't give up just because there aren't many people walking with you. Seeking out truth in the depths of this world means getting down and dirty, and that may mean walking and digging alone. But there will be few diggers, fellow searchers who will join you in that pursuit, and when you finally find that treasure...it will be well worth it.

        There are going to be many people we meet who genuinely won't understand where we're coming from. For them it's a disconnect because of culture, upbringing, experience or that they're in a different place or different time of life. You have the job of expounding your knowledge and insight to others by communicating and living it out, helping people grow into deeper human beings. We may not be able to get everyone to think and feel deeply, but we can at least know we're using what we've been given. For some it might take years before they begin to think or feel deeply again, but as we walk this road together, the knowledge we've acquired becomes real and more fulfilling when we've used what we know to help someone on their path.

        You have been given a working mind. Develop it. Feed it. Exercise it. Use it. Don't give up because people shy away from your depth or don't understand you. Find like-minded people who share in your curiosity and desire to live to the fullest. Work on that song, that story or article, that painting, and that idea with diligence and let it go forth. Put yourselves and your ideas out there and let them get picked up by those searching and willing to work to understand.

"Conversational Vortex" - Downtown Greenville