The Valentine's Day Post: "Single" and "In A Relationship" - One Is NOT Better Than the Other

       

        Today marks the day where many single men and women begin lamenting their singleness, start a mad scramble to do something for their spouse or significant other, begin trying to find someone to hook up with, or come up with some elaborate scheme to drown out reality while couples in our country are out trying to be/appear more "couple-y". The social media posts begin coming in like a cold front, and commercials will be plastered with red hearts and diamonds with love songs playing in the background. For many, "V-Day," or "Singles Awareness Day," is the source of more joy and pain than any other day of the year.

        It was a year ago around this time was when my friends Phil and Abbi really began getting to know each other toward becoming a couple. Phil was my roommate and Abbi was a friend I made my senior year of college. Before they met, I had spent time with them individually, talked with them about life, dating philosophies, and the frustrations with the dating scene. They were both people who struggled with singleness just as much as any other person. When they met, I watched their relationship grow from the early interest spark stage to the very strong, balanced, and mature relationship that they've grown into and built through communication, commitment, and their mutual faith. To this day, they're one of a few couples that I have great respect, admiration, and joy in just watching them interact.

        Phil and I had a conversation about how Valentine's Day seems to be more about singles than it is about couples. He and Abbi having dated for almost a year, they had talked about how they actually felt less inclined to do things for Valentine's Day, part of which is due to the fact that it's commercialized and overhyped. But more than that, for them, showing and celebrating their care and love for one another wasn't something that they limited to one day of the year. It was something they celebrated daily, moment by moment, something they showed in all the things they do for each other, big and small. Their relationship isn't defined by a cultural construct that people have come to associate with "love."

        We look around and see a LOT of relationships. We see relationships that we adore and admire as great couples that lead by example, ones that are co-dependent and imbalanced, and many that are worn, abusive, or all together destructive. Today, their are so many people that get into relationships for all of the wrong reasons, and there is an enormous shortage of truly strong, meaningful, and healthy relationships that contribute to community and that we can admire and draw inspiration from.

        I think that many of us tend to dwell too much on the subject of relationships, or the lack thereof, in our lives. For many in our culture it's become the drumbeat by which they live and the ultimate destination for how they want to live out the rest of our time on this planet. But the question I have to ask, "Is that how it's supposed to be?

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        So much time, energy, and emotion is put into the realm of relationships. When done the right way, the cost is good and well worth it. But more often than not, it becomes a burden, a great source of pain, and, in fact, a harmful institution because we go into relationships with the wrong perspective and motivation.

        When we take a step back and analyze relationships, how they're composed, the unique dynamic that each relationship possesses, we really begin to see where the source of joy and pain comes from. Good relationships are meant to be a haven of give-and-take. They are built on honest communication. They require time, effort, and sacrifice for the other person. Bad relationships are filled with selfishness, suspicion, jealousy, looseness, promiscuity, the belief that a singular person can fix all the problems in our life, over emphasis on sex, and a variety of other dysfunctions. Relationships are meant to be wonderful and lifelong. They're a gift, not an entitlement. Before we even think about pursuing, we have to ask ourselves honestly if we're in a time in our life where we're able and willing to give of ourselves.

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        There are times when being in a relationship is simply the wrong thing to do. One or both of the people in the relationships aren't ready, don't have the right heart motivation, or the relationship is simply putting strain on two people who in actuality would do better single. Why push a relationship? Why be joined at the hip with someone in this particular time of life when your life goals might be hindered or stopped because you decided to be in a relationship for the sake of it, or just because you felt lonely? Believe it or not, their is more to life than that. This person can't fill the hole for you. That's something you have to do and seek out for yourself.

        Instead of thinking of singleness as some sort of curse, start thinking of it as a step, a chapter, or an even a necessity. It truly is an alternative lifestyle. Yes, there are certainly people who do better in relationships or who do better single. It's being able to recognize the kind of person you are and flowing with that part of your personality and giving things time to happen naturally and in their own time. In the mean time, we're meant to live out lives in a meaningful way. Just because we're not in a relationship, it doesn't mean there's, all of a sudden, a pause on our calling. We have been given a life. It's up to us to figure out how to use it and to live it well.

        If people are rubbing the fact that they're in a relationship in your face, it doesn't make them better than you. Just because they carry the label doesn't make them a "better" person or any less of a terrible person. The person that we are, whether we are in a relationship or not, is determined by ourselves. Whether we're single or even married, it falls on us to keep being quality people who actually live meaningful lives, especially in the context of giving to the person we're in a relationship with. In point of fact, the best relationships around are the couples in which both have come to that realization, but in turn make one another stronger because they are together.


        What we need is more singles and couples who don't look down on the other for being so, but strong, purposeful people secure in themselves that empower one another in building healthy relationships, striving for the community that this world needs.